College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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