I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
