I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
