I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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