apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
sex in a hospital.. check
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
