Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
