can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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