she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
