i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
