People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
