Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
