remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
