I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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