Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
