just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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