I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
