By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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