Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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