My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
