textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
