She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
