so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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