i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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