My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
