I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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