the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
