Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
