I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
