How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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