I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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