I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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