I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
