Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
