Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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