I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
