This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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