omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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