it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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