every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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