I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
