you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
