I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
