Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
