what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
