My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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