my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Randomize
