I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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