you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
