Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
