My sheets look like a crime scene.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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