I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
