oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
