im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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